Managers: How to Give and Receive Feedback When Emotions are High

It’s almost the end of your workday and you are exhausted. You are moments away from turning off your computer when Lila, one of your employees, suddenly barges through the door and starts burning your ears with a host of complaints. 

• "This project is a disaster!”
• “Mike was late again, as always.” 
• “Our meeting this afternoon was pointless!” 
• “The suggestions you made this morning were terrible.” 

Your head is swarming from all the negativity and emotions packed into Lila’s complaints. How do you respond? 

Know the Timing of When to Constructively Criticize 

Most of the time, complaints are made in the heat of the moment when emotions are high. Although you really want to roll your eyes and downplay anything that comes out of Lila’s mouth right now, you may be able to reshape her complaints into constructive feedback. 

But is the timing right? It depends on whether hers and your emotions are under control and there is sufficient time to discuss issues thoroughly. Otherwise, the conversation may become confrontational. 

When you both feel calm and composed, meaning neither person is visibly upset or angry, consider giving Lila some constructive feedback and ask for the same in return.  

What Is Constructive Criticism? 

Constructive feedback is meant to be developmental where someone highlights areas for improvement. To be constructive, the feedback should be specific, actionable, and focused on behaviors or results rather than personal attributes. 

10 Tips for Giving Effective Constructive Criticism 

Giving constructive feedback for professional development requires the following: 

1. Be Specific

Constructive criticism focuses on specific examples and details to support your feedback. Vague or general feedback lacks clarity and may not be actionable.  

For example, “Your abrupt entry into my office at the end of the day yesterday caught me off guard. In the future, please knock or set up a meeting so I can give you my undivided attention.” 

2. Balance Positive Feedback with Constructive Criticism

While highlighting strengths is important, addressing areas for improvement is equally crucial. For example: “You are very punctual to team meetings. During those meetings, please allow your coworkers to share their ideas.”  

3. Use “I” Statements in Your Feedback Session

Frame feedback using "I" statements to take ownership of your perspective and avoid sounding accusatory. For example, say "I observed that..." instead of "You always...”  

4. Focus on Behavior, Not the Person

Keep your feedback centered on observable behaviors and actions. Avoid making judgments about an employee's character or personality.  

5. Be Timely When Providing Constructive Criticism

In most situations, feedback should be given promptly after the behavior is observed for it to be relevant and useful.  

6. Offer Solutions When Giving Constructive Criticism

When providing constructive feedback, suggest viable solutions or actions the employee can take to improve. For example: “You can help our meetings stay on point by sharing the agenda in the meeting invite.”  

7. Engage in Two-Way Communication for Accurate and Constructive Feedback

Encourage employees to share their perspectives and ask for their input. A collaborative discussion can lead to a better understanding of feedback.  

8. Be Respectful and Tactful

Approach feedback with empathy and respect. Use language that is non-confrontational and focuses on improvement, not destructive criticism. For example: “Your report was highly informative, but I noticed a few errors. Let’s skim it together to identify the issues and work on accuracy.”  

9. Actively Listen When Giving Feedback

Be open to the employee's response and ask for their perspective. Active listening fosters a two-way dialogue and encourages understanding.  

10. Stay Professional

Maintain professionalism and respect during feedback discussions. Avoid personal attacks and negative emotions.  

But giving tactful feedback is just half the equation; it is also important that you receive feedback well.  

Tips to Receiving Feedback 

To win control over your innate fight-or-flight response to feedback that may come across as negative criticism, practice the following tips. 

1. Be Open to Feedback

Approach critical feedback with an open mind and a willingness to learn. When you think about Olympic athletes, they rely on feedback with every repetition to help them be successful. 

2. Ask Clarifying Questions

Seek clarification if you do not fully understand the feedback. For example, “Tell me more about that…” shows that you value their input and want to improve.  

3. Reflect and Assess

When you receive constructive criticism, reflect on the feedback and consider how it aligns with your own self-assessment. Use feedback as an opportunity for self-improvement.  

4. Avoid Being Defensive

Instead of becoming defensive or dismissive of input, express gratitude for the feedback and ask for specific recommendations. For example, “I did not realize that my tone was upsetting the other department, thank you for letting me know! How can I tidy things up there?”  

5. Be Proactive with Actionable Advice

If the feedback is constructive, develop an action plan to address the areas for improvement. For example, “You have given me a lot to think about here, and I appreciate that. Do you mind if I take a week to digest this and come back to you with an action plan?”  

6. Thank the Employee

Regardless of the nature of the feedback, express gratitude to the person providing it. Acknowledging feedback shows respect for the effort taken to help you improve. 

7. Follow Up

Keep the lines of communication open by following up on your progress and seeking additional feedback as you make improvements.  

Remember that both constructive and destructive criticism present opportunities for growth. 

Turning Complaints into Constructive Feedback 

Turning complaints into constructive feedback is a skill that can significantly improve communication and problem-solving in both personal and professional settings. In our initial example with Lila, here are tips for taking her initial complaints and asking questions to receive effective feedback. 

Identify the Core Issue 

• Complaint: Often, complaints create emotional, negative feelings and are vague. Start by identifying the specific issue at the heart of the complaint. 
• Example: When Lila says, "This project is a disaster," identify what specifically is problematic: deadlines, communication, quality of work, or something else? 

Focus on Behaviors, Not People 

• Complaint: Complaints often focus on individuals rather than actions. 
• Constructive Feedback: Focus on specific behaviors or actions rather than personal attributes. 
• Example: Instead of saying, "You are always so negative," say, "When we focus on the negative, it holds the entire team back." 

Be Specific and Objective 

• Complaint: Complaints can be broad and subjective. 
• Constructive Feedback: Provide specific examples and stick to the facts. 
• Example: Instead of Lila saying, "This process is terrible," encourage her to provide suggestions. For example, "The process could be improved by reducing the number of approval steps." 

Suggest Solutions 

• Complaint: Complaints often highlight problems without suggesting helpful feedback to fix them.
• Constructive Feedback: Pair the issue with a potential solution or request. 
• Example: Instead of Lila saying, "The meetings are pointless," coach her to provide more specific feedback. For example, "The meetings could be more effective if we had a clear agenda and time limits." 

Use “I” Statements 

• Complaint: Complaints often start with "you" or have "you" in them, which can sound accusatory. 
• Constructive Feedback: Use “I” statements to express how the situation affects you or others. 
• Example: Instead of Lila saying, “The suggestions you made this morning were terrible," probe for more details for a productive conversation. Something she could say instead is, "I did not understand my action items from the suggestions in this morning's meeting. Could you please expound more?" 

Keep the Tone Positive 

• Complaint: Complaints usually carry a negative tone. 
• Constructive Feedback: Maintain a positive or neutral tone, focusing on improvement rather than criticism. 
• Example: Instead of "This is a mess," say, "There is room for improvement, and I believe we can achieve better results by..." 

Time It Right 

• Complaint: Complaints are often made in the heat of the moment. 
• Constructive Feedback: Wait for an appropriate time when emotions are calm and the person is receptive.
• Example: As with the scenario with Lila, address the issue in a private meeting when both parties have calmed down rather than in the middle of a heated discussion. 

Consider the Other Person’s Perspective 

• Complaint: Complaints are usually one-sided.
• Constructive Feedback: Acknowledge the other person’s perspective and show empathy.
• Example: "I know you have a lot on your plate. Help me understand what I can do to help you manage this more effectively." 

By following these steps, you can transform complaints into opportunities for personal and professional growth and improvement, fostering a more positive and productive environment. 

Consider Feedback Surveys for Ongoing Improvement 

While addressing issues as they arise is important, implementing regular feedback surveys can help gather constructive criticism in a more structured and less emotionally charged way. These surveys can provide employees with the opportunity to share their thoughts and concerns anonymously, encouraging more honest and reflective responses.  

Alternatively, you can also offer a non-anonymous option for those who are comfortable identifying themselves, which allows for more direct follow-up and accountability. Providing both options can increase participation and ensure you receive valuable, actionable feedback, helping to address issues before they escalate. 

For more tips on giving and receiving constructive criticism, contact your certified HR expert. Not a current Stratus HR client? Book a free consultation and our team will contact you shortly.